Belonging

This is my latest finished artwork which I started conceptualising quite a while ago. I suppose I’m at the point of my life, or perhaps just of my artistic journey (who can tell which one it is…) at which I want to say things that matter to me, and not only I want them to be heard, but I also want to connect with people that might feel feel something similar. …Or not! Another thing that became important to me is creating works that can be interpreted in different ways, so various people can see in my art whatever resonates with them, something they want or need to see.

An important part of my journey on this beautiful space rock have been my diagnosis of “double neurodivergence”, as I like to call it. I got my diagnosis way into my adulthood, so it definitely was something that I needed to digest and come to terms with, but in many ways it helped me to understand and accept myself.

Since childhood I felt different from my peers. I didn’t understand their reactions or what was expected of me. Over time I learned certain behaviours and phrases — like learning a foreign language — but it never felt natural. Not knowing why, I kept forcing myself to act “like everyone else”, to enjoy what they enjoyed. It was exhausting, and I often wondered, disappointed, “why do I have to be like this?”

The diagnosis explained a lot. It turned out I wasn’t an alien, and neither is anyone else — my wiring is simply different, and that’s why I perceive the world the way I do. So yes, I can learn this foreign language of neurotypical behaviours and conventions for my own (and theirs) comfort and convenience, but, for better or for worse, but I’ll always remain myself, with my particular “wiring”. And honestly, discovering it was cathartic.

Still, even knowing the diagnosis doesn’t make the feeling of “not fitting in” disappear completely. Because we don’t live in a vacuum — we live in a society that isn’t always as accepting as it claims to be. And so, to function smoothly, some of us choose to mimic what’s seen as “normal”. Which is tough, because it’s like playing a role on stage every day, without a script and without a break. You know it’s not the real you. But you just keep playing it.

The painting I opened this post with is my attempt to express this feeling — the tension between accepting who you are, struggling to blend in, and never fully belonging.

At the same time, many people, including my friends, see something completely different in this piece — and I absolutely love that. It makes me happy that people who don’t share my experiences can still find something personal in my work.

And of course, if you’d like to share your own interpretation or thoughts on this, I’d be glad to hear them. Don’t hesitate to leave a comment. <3

~Kat